I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
