Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
