If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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