Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
