It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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