I just saw a hot homeless man
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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