It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
