Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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