Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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