So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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