I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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