I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
