I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
