even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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