i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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