I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
