Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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