Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
our cab driver is having phone sex.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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