If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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