I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
