If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize