the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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