he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
