I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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