I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
