i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
