shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
