even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
