Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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