whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We were destined to go to rehab together
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
