Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
