I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
