My underwear smells like fireworks.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
