I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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