Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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