I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
