I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
