he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
