every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I intend to get homeless drunk
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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