Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Come see our sink grown plant.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
