Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
