It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
