idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
