You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
