hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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