got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
