he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
