Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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