You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
