So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
