She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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