She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize