hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
