my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
