No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My penis needs a shock collar
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
