i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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