he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
