well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
